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Holding on tightly to a boat with no sails.

Have you ever had those moments where you realize you are looking out to the horizon, intent on reaching it in one piece, with no map or compass in hand? No wind, or even sails to get you there?

Of course you have, otherwise you wouldn't be on this website right now.

I'm currently sitting in a cafe a block away from my job. I have 15 minutes before I have to be back- I know full well I'll be taking 20 instead. I'm taking this time to work on my resume, find a new job- anything to get me M O V I N G. I've reached the point of no return- a dark and stormy opposition inside me, the gloomy cloud hovering intimately over my head. The menial and monotonous daily work of this job are eating.at.me.raw. I have no sense of purpose or direction. I don't know what I want. Contrary to what blogs and books say, I know I won't just "figure it out". This lack of inspiration has been weighing me down for years now. I'm like a deer in headlights when I'm faced with decision making- I neither run nor scream, or even stand there. I safely step to the side for a moment, contemplating what I should do, not realizing the car is far gone down the road, the days have slipped by, weather has changed, and yet here I stand, solidified to the ground like a great big mass, a rotten tree stump. I don't let the sunlight nor the water in yet wonder why I am not sprouting. 

It's really hard to make a change, at least for me anyway. I know what I should do, I know I should be fixing my resume- yet I'm paralyzed, completely glued in my inaction. I get home and instead of doing what I should be, I waste my time, watch some netflix, take some Buzzfeed quizzes, until 1am rolls around and the guilt eats away at me. Wake up the next morning and head to work and feel that same heavy pull on my head and heart until it drags me down, down into this pit. 

I can get out! I know I can, but do I have it in me? The only thing certain in my life right now, is my uncertainty. 

It's always a rocky journey with crashing waves and unforgiving weather, but what other choice do you have? You either weather it or you die. And I refuse to do the latter any longer.

These are my words, my chronicles, my experiences, and my full fledged honesty. If you are feeling as I do, know that you are not alone. I am not speaking as an expert who has mastered this all- I promise you, I have not an inkling of what to do next.

But I will try. 

Start of something new.